Tuesday, I visited the Dragon Lady for what should have been my pre-IUI #3 acupuncture session, where she would have hooked me up to an electronic contraption and sent power to my uterus like a car battery. Yes, that actually happened before IUI #2. And yes, I really need to write a post about that.

But back to this month. My body, wanting to perpetuate this whole hard-to-get game with pregnancy, decided to ovulate a week early. Luckily, I caught it in time to move the IUI up to last Friday. But that meant that this week’s session with the Dragon Lady was just a normal session in which she told me about all the problems of all the girls down the hall while placing needles in my legs only. “No belly today! Could be baby in there!”

Yes. Just a normal session. But then, at the end of the session she ordered,

“let me see belly!”

After 8 months of the Dragon Lady putting needles in the most random places and observing different parts of my body, this seemed pretty normal. So I lifted my shirt.

“Your belly huge!”

Um, okay. So maybe I ate a little more this weekend, I tried to explain. I guess I’m a little bloated. And yeah, I ate 4 oreos on Labor Day. Damn, nothing gets past this woman!

“It so huge!”

Getting a little defensive, I looked down and put my hands on my stomach. I just couldn’t see what it was she was talking about.

“Look how big belly is. I see it. There more than one baby in there!”

Whoa, slow down woman. I told her how the IUI was just four days before. It would be a while before I would even know if this one worked. Besides, it’s not like implantation could have even happened yet. Trust me, I’ve googled this shit about 9 thousand times.

To which, she gave me a look that said, “you silly white girl. Don’t question me.” To which I gave her a look that said, “Don’t you dare get my hopes up, Dragon Lady, unless you know what the hell you’re talking about.” To which, she said,

“This not crazy talk!!!! I know!!! I know all these girls!”

She pointed to a photo of newborn triplets on her wall.

“She come in. 43 year old. IUI with own eggs. I first one say “There more than one baby in there” she go to doctor. Three! Three baby in there!”

Then pointing to another picture, this time of twins,

“She IVF. I see belly, tell her first. More than one baby in there! I know!”

Holy shit, I’m thinking, this Dragon Lady could be right. She’s been right about other things. And my ultrasound this cycle did show four follicles. I could have four babies! All at once! A full house. 2 girls, 2 boys with names that all sound like they go together but that aren’t too cutesy because they’ll have to grown into adults someday. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am. Reproductive shop closed. We’re all good here.

Sensing my changing mood, she looked at my belly one more time and said,

“If you pregnant. There more than one baby in there. Next week, I know for sure.”

IF I’m pregnant. IF. So that gives me two options, and two options only. I’m either not pregnant. Or I need to start pricing out mini vans.

I’m either carrying multiple babies. Or hanging on to the remnants of four oreos.

Thank you, Dragon Lady, for the most hellish two week wait ever.