Excuse me while I freak out a little bit.

What do you get when you add two shitty ovaries, 987 autimmune issues, a crapload of medicine, a 3-month window to conceive and two failed cycles? A major freakout by yours truly. So major, I had to drop off the grid for a couple of weeks to lick my wounds in peace. But I am back now to take my freakout to the public. You’re welcome, internet.

Back in May, Dr. Kwak-Kim gave us three months to conceive on her every-drug-under-the-sun, this-just-might-work protocol. Mainly because one of her magic drugs, prednisone, can diminish kidney and ovarian function. And since my ovaries are already about as diminished as ovaries can be without being glued to an old lazy boy recliner eating soggy raisin bran, we need to be straight up knocked up pronto.

And I just watched cycle #2 on her protocol, a paperwork-perfect cycle I felt so incredibly sure was going to work, come and go with no second pink line. How are we supposed to find out if her magic combination of wonder drugs will keep me pregnant if I can’t get pregnant to begin with?

So now, things are looking pretty desperate. I’m desperate, the husband is desperate. Even The Dragon Lady is feeling the desperation. A couple of visits ago, she told me, “I run 500 miles if it make you pregnant.” This, coming from the woman who once yelled at my face, “no more running!”

With only one cycle left, I feel my it-will-all-work-out-in-the-end attitude starting to leave my body.

And I know that this is exactly what the Karate Kid and Mr. Miyagi felt like when they were seconds away from being taken out by that pimply kid Johnny, and had just one last chance to claim their destiny. Assuming, of course, that Ralph Macchio was on all kinds of mood-altering fertility drugs and getting weekly checkups of his uterine lining. And also assuming that Ralph Macchio’s character was a real person with feelings and a future and a family who was counting on him.

So yeah, assuming all those things, right now is that exact moment when I need to find the power for one, single, massively epic crane kick to Johnnie’s face.

If only I weren’t so scared to open my eyes.

2 thoughts on “Excuse me while I freak out a little bit.

  1. Wishing you good luck this cycle! Just came across your blog and love it! I am also recently married and we have RPL as well. 3 miscarriages in the last year of trying. I can relate on so many levels to your posts. It’s such a crazy, crazy thing. Our whole lives are ruled By medications and appointments. Keep the faith sister!


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