My nipples know things. Good things. Bad things. Things that could change my life. They know. And so every month around this time, I consult them. I ask them for their secrets.

What do you know, nipples? Show me my future. Any little humans growing inside me?

Today’s answer: outlook not so good.

They’re like little bastard children of the magic eight ball clinging to my chest. And they tell lies too. Last month, exactly 7 days after my first IUI, they told me it was THE month. They got big and super tender. And I got excited and super confident.

For the next seven days, I could not stop consulting them. I consulted them in the shower. I consulted them in the bathroom stall at work. I consulted them in the middle of the night when I got up to pee. I consulted them in the car while nobody was watching. I even consulted them in the gluten-free aisle at whole foods. Trick: pretend you have an itch in the middle of your arm, if your scratching arm hits your bra and causes pain, consultation complete!

It got to be where pinching through the outside of my bra just to make sure the tenderness was still there became an automatic reflex. Every 20 minutes, it just had to be done.

And then, little by little, the tenderness went away. I kept pinching though. Nipples, are you sure? Nipples, are you just getting used to the pain? Nipples, have you been lying to me?!

My beta 14 days post IUI confirmed it. My nipples had been lying the whole damn time.

But still….I cannot turn my back to the secret wisdom of the nipples. Now, 8 days past IUI number 2, I still feel they hold all the answers. And sure, they said “no” twenty minutes ago. But excuse me while I touch my boobs again.

Yep, still “no.” Those little fucking shits.