Tomorrow, our only hope gets transferred into my uterus.

Tomorrow, our only hope gets transferred into my uterus. And I can’t sleep. For the second night in a row. It’s 3am, and my internal search engine keeps running without any answers.

Will lack of sleep affect implantation? Am I destining myself for failure? Am I making my heart beat that fast? Or is it the prednisone? Or the giant shots in the ass we’ve been giving me every night? How long can one person go without more than 2 hours sleep? If this affects my chances, how do women with infants get pregnant? Better yet, how does anyone ever get pregnant at all? Am I working too much? Have I taken on too much? Am I not working enough? Do I need more of a distraction? Am I going to look back and wish I hadn’t been working so hard at all? Did I fuck everything up with that piece of dark chocolate? Is everyone going to freak out about me not drinking this weekend? Will I be able to handle the assumptions they make? Will I even make it to the weekend, or will time stand still like this forever? Will the embryo fall out into my underpants? Into the toilet? Is it even safe to go number 2? Safe to move? Safe to cough? Safe to breathe? Will the doctor call me tomorrow and tell me there is no embryo? That they lost it? That they messed it up? That this was all a misunderstanding? Can I handle 9 more days and nights like this? 12 whole weeks? 9 whole months? Can I handle not having to handle 12 whole weeks? 9 whole months? Will it wreck me forever?

Tomorrow, our only hope gets transferred into my uterus. And I can’t help but think that it’s the most dangerous place it could be.

9 thoughts on “Tomorrow, our only hope gets transferred into my uterus.

  1. This is such a stressful time when all our worries and fears come out. I’m sorry that you’re feeling so anxious and unable to sleep but I completely understand. I hope, hope, hope that this transfer is the one that sticks and grows into a healthy baby. Sending best wishes to you. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You completely verbalized the thoughts going through my head at about 1 a.m. last night when I couldn’t sleep, from the prednisone to the chocolate to the shots. As we prepare for our transfer day on Thursday I’ll be thinking good thoughts for you as you go into yours. Hell of a week eh.


  3. I think I have had almost every one of those thoughts…I hope that you get through these next steps with some positive news and a little more sleep. Wishing you all the best for tomorrow’s transfer 🙂


  4. GOOD LUCK! I can totally relate to allll of this, especially my uterus being the most dangerous place for an embryo. I felt that way for an entire nine months. But if my uterus can grow a baby, yours can too — immunological therapy really does work!!!! I’ll be thinking of you and keeping my fingers crossed. Hang in there!


  5. I had a mental breakdown after my first IUI. and then I had a mental breakdown over the fact that I was having a mental breakdown because it would have affected the sperm travelling to the egg in a bad way. Must be. because I was having a mental breakdown… I think none of your questions will affect the transfer, but it’s completely normal to have them. and many more. I’m wishing you all the best for the best emby and best transfer ever!


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