Hey Stork,

I’ve seen you. Flying around couples having one-night-stands. Poking that smug beak of yours into houses already filled with six kids. Loitering around high schools. And all the while skipping the deserving houses on your route – the houses who have been waiting for you for years and years.

That’s pretty shitty, Stork. If I were your supervising manager, I’d fire you on the spot. Reason: erratic tendencies and irresponsible behavior. And don’t even think about asking for severance.

Hey Stork, did you know I’m 34? That I’m a runner? That I floss, take my vitamins, and eat healthier than anyone I know? Bet you didn’t know I’ve never had a medical issue, not even stitches.

Oh and Stork, we bought a big new home last year. With five bedrooms. In one of the best school districts in the nation. With nearby parks and nearby kids and nearby everything. It’s one of those homes my husband and I both dreamed about growing up in, ourselves. Did you even know that, Stork?

Yo Stork, do you care about the fact that I changed jobs? That I went from a crazy but prestigious 80-hour-a-week position to a predictable nine-to-five gig, all so that I could spend more time at home?

No, stuff like that doesn’t matter to you, Stork. So you just keep flying around with your weird little hat and occasional bowtie. And if, when you’re flying around all irresponsible-and-erratic-like, you happen to irresponsibly and erratically land anywhere in the vicinity of our house, well, then let’s just forget we ever had this talk.

Got it, Stork?